Saturday, May 8, 2021

One Day At A Time

 I have a problem with consistency. I have a problem with a lot of things actually. I make plans, set goals, and have dreams, but somehow life gets in the way...or I get in the way of myself. 

Yesterday I briefly explained some of the anxiety and panic I was dealing with. Today I haven't left the house. It gets like that quite a bit. Sometimes my brain and fears get the best of me. It is exhausting to live this way. It isn't living. Its pure hell. 

There are so many things that go through my mind each day. Feelings of doubt, fear, worthlessness, hatred toward my self, anger, sadness, and more "what if's" than I can explain. I know there has to be some type of answer to this madness that seems to have swallowed me, and I pray I can figure it out. 

God has a plan for me, and I have always known that. As a Christian I believe with my entire heart that God has this under control, but the panic disorder in me does not think like that when I am in the midst of an attack. The panic takes over my brain and I give in to the fear. I let it creep in even when I know the truth is that God still has His hands on me. 

Trust me when I tell you I pray about this. I have prayed and prayed. I don't know why I still deal with this. I get so angry because sometimes when I say I suffer with this disorder people say "just pray about it" or "have you asked God to give you peace". YES YES YES! I have not stopped praying about this. I always pray about it. Do people think I don't? Do they think I exhaust all options and then still forget to pray? I pray first. I pray during. I pray and pray some more. I cry and beg God to take this from me, but for some reason He is waiting to do that. 

I sit here and wonder if it isn't the doubt in me that keeps me in this place. Maybe I doubt that I can really be healed from this hell. I say with my mouth and believe in my heart that  God can heal, change and fix everything because He is King of Kings. Why then do I doubt that he would heal me? Why do I think that I am not worthy to be healed or freed from this torment? If I am so sure that He can literally make the blind see, then why is it so hard for me to believe that he can take this fear from me? I am constantly struggling with the belief that I will be this way forever and I will never be able to do "normal" things again. 

I haven't felt "normal" in a very long time.  Saying that I simply mean I just wish I could go places or do things without this paralyzing fear completely holding me back. I can't do normal tasks like drive, sit in movie theaters, walk in big stores like Walmart ,or be in big open spaces. Sitting on the beach gives me anxiety and I literally want to run. I even struggle riding in cars and the only people I can ride with are my husband and my mother. I also refuse under all circumstances to get on the interstate. Even certain roads are triggers and I have to avoid them. Do you have any idea how hard it makes it to live my life?

I have been struggling more lately than ever about wanting to break these chains, because I feel I am supposed to do more. There is something missing. There is something that I am being held back from, but I'm not sure what that is yet. I lie awake at night letting all these thoughts swirl around in my cluttered mind. I believe it's time to figure out why I am letting this hold me back and how I can finally be healed. I have no idea how long this will take or what could be uncovered in the meantime. It's time to let God work on me and learn to let go of the control I so desperately want but don't have. One day at a time is all I can do and today seems like a good day to start. 

Love and Hugs,


*images found on google

Friday, May 7, 2021

When Panic Seems to Take Over

Terrible picture for a terrible day. The tears streaming down both my cheeks were very real and raw and so is this post......

Here I am again. I’m back in that awful place I keep trying to run from. The place that is hidden within my mind that lies somewhere between reality and the reality that only I can see. My reality in these moments are not like yours. They are not something you can even understand. You look at me and believe I am ok. That I am healthy. That I look “normal”. I need to uncover that lie and give you a glimpse into what haunts my existence. What paralyzes me with a fear so real that I genuinely believe I have no control, and sometimes in those moments I really don’t.

I get judged for this. I get belittled. I get mean and hateful remarks. I get talked about. I get questions of why I can’t just “get over it”, that I should “pull up my big girl pants”, “stop overthinking things” , or “ just make yourself”. Do you not believe that if it was that easy I that I would? Do you not believe that I would pick LIFE over this hell I seem to be trapped in. It has been almost 20 years and over 20 medications and here I am barely hanging on.
Today, like many days, panic showed its ugly face. Not just anxiety that is a constant staple in my life, but panic. The feeling of pure unrelenting fear that washed over my body like boiling lava ready to burn me to my very core. A fear so real that I lose all sense of myself and all knowledge of reality. I tremble uncontrollably and am paralyzed to the point that I cannot move or even think. In these moments I can barely even utter the words “help”, but the tears still form in my troubled eyes as they dart back and forth looking for safety. Something to make it ok. Just something that can stop this absolute hell that is taking me under. I am drowning in my own mind. In my own fears and you can’t even see what is right in front of you. No one can see what is happening inside. I am losing control. I am sinking. I am clawing at the earth trying to stop myself from being swallowed by this monster of panic that tries so desperately to keep me trapped. I am holding on by a thread that is slowly coming unraveled.

Today I cried, shook, and lost all sense of myself. It went on for what seemed like an eternity. I missed work. I could not get past the small neighborhood roads that lead out to hwy78. I could not to get myself 5 minutes from my house. This is just RIDING in the car. I had to stop driving years ago because I would throw the car in reverse in the middle of the road, because I didn’t feel safe. Pills and more pills were all anyone would throw at me. The pills would fix it…..they didn’t . They haven’t. They wont. I have been on over 20 different medications. This is still the result.

We finally made it back home and I stumbled back inside my house and crawled back into my bed. I failed AGAIN. I failed myself and the people who partner with us at the shop. I kept hearing in my mind that “people depend on you” “you HAVE to be there” “you are the only one who can make it”, but still I COULDN’T , and I cried more. Today has taken a tole on me. Panic attacks are one of the worst life experiences a person can go through. When they become constant you begin to feel there isn’t much left. Living in a constant state of fear is not living at all. Some days I can walk around with a smile on my face to hide the pain, other days I literally fall apart.
If you know someone with panic disorder, anxiety disorder, depression, or any other mental illness PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE try to do as much research as you can so you can get a glimpse into what they are living with. You really never know the battles someone is facing and sometimes a little support will go a long way. We already feel like burdens and failures, so please don’t put your ideas of what they should be doing out there unless you truly understand. Love these people. Love them and support them and let them know that sometimes its ok to NOT be ok.
Whoever may read this and is going through the same thing please know you aren't alone! I know alone I feel and sometimes you just need someone who truly understands this hell.