Here I am again. I’m back in that awful place I keep trying to run from. The place that is hidden within my mind that lies somewhere between reality and the reality that only I can see. My reality in these moments are not like yours. They are not something you can even understand. You look at me and believe I am ok. That I am healthy. That I look “normal”. I need to uncover that lie and give you a glimpse into what haunts my existence. What paralyzes me with a fear so real that I genuinely believe I have no control, and sometimes in those moments I really don’t.
I get judged for this. I get belittled. I get mean and hateful remarks. I get talked about. I get questions of why I can’t just “get over it”, that I should “pull up my big girl pants”, “stop overthinking things” , or “ just make yourself”. Do you not believe that if it was that easy I that I would? Do you not believe that I would pick LIFE over this hell I seem to be trapped in. It has been almost 20 years and over 20 medications and here I am barely hanging on.
Today, like many days, panic showed its ugly face. Not just anxiety that is a constant staple in my life, but panic. The feeling of pure unrelenting fear that washed over my body like boiling lava ready to burn me to my very core. A fear so real that I lose all sense of myself and all knowledge of reality. I tremble uncontrollably and am paralyzed to the point that I cannot move or even think. In these moments I can barely even utter the words “help”, but the tears still form in my troubled eyes as they dart back and forth looking for safety. Something to make it ok. Just something that can stop this absolute hell that is taking me under. I am drowning in my own mind. In my own fears and you can’t even see what is right in front of you. No one can see what is happening inside. I am losing control. I am sinking. I am clawing at the earth trying to stop myself from being swallowed by this monster of panic that tries so desperately to keep me trapped. I am holding on by a thread that is slowly coming unraveled.
Today I cried, shook, and lost all sense of myself. It went on for what seemed like an eternity. I missed work. I could not get past the small neighborhood roads that lead out to hwy78. I could not to get myself 5 minutes from my house. This is just RIDING in the car. I had to stop driving years ago because I would throw the car in reverse in the middle of the road, because I didn’t feel safe. Pills and more pills were all anyone would throw at me. The pills would fix it…..they didn’t . They haven’t. They wont. I have been on over 20 different medications. This is still the result.
We finally made it back home and I stumbled back inside my house and crawled back into my bed. I failed AGAIN. I failed myself and the people who partner with us at the shop. I kept hearing in my mind that “people depend on you” “you HAVE to be there” “you are the only one who can make it”, but still I COULDN’T , and I cried more. Today has taken a tole on me. Panic attacks are one of the worst life experiences a person can go through. When they become constant you begin to feel there isn’t much left. Living in a constant state of fear is not living at all. Some days I can walk around with a smile on my face to hide the pain, other days I literally fall apart.
If you know someone with panic disorder, anxiety disorder, depression, or any other mental illness PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE try to do as much research as you can so you can get a glimpse into what they are living with. You really never know the battles someone is facing and sometimes a little support will go a long way. We already feel like burdens and failures, so please don’t put your ideas of what they should be doing out there unless you truly understand. Love these people. Love them and support them and let them know that sometimes its ok to NOT be ok.
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