Saturday, May 8, 2021

One Day At A Time

 I have a problem with consistency. I have a problem with a lot of things actually. I make plans, set goals, and have dreams, but somehow life gets in the way...or I get in the way of myself. 

Yesterday I briefly explained some of the anxiety and panic I was dealing with. Today I haven't left the house. It gets like that quite a bit. Sometimes my brain and fears get the best of me. It is exhausting to live this way. It isn't living. Its pure hell. 

There are so many things that go through my mind each day. Feelings of doubt, fear, worthlessness, hatred toward my self, anger, sadness, and more "what if's" than I can explain. I know there has to be some type of answer to this madness that seems to have swallowed me, and I pray I can figure it out. 

God has a plan for me, and I have always known that. As a Christian I believe with my entire heart that God has this under control, but the panic disorder in me does not think like that when I am in the midst of an attack. The panic takes over my brain and I give in to the fear. I let it creep in even when I know the truth is that God still has His hands on me. 

Trust me when I tell you I pray about this. I have prayed and prayed. I don't know why I still deal with this. I get so angry because sometimes when I say I suffer with this disorder people say "just pray about it" or "have you asked God to give you peace". YES YES YES! I have not stopped praying about this. I always pray about it. Do people think I don't? Do they think I exhaust all options and then still forget to pray? I pray first. I pray during. I pray and pray some more. I cry and beg God to take this from me, but for some reason He is waiting to do that. 

I sit here and wonder if it isn't the doubt in me that keeps me in this place. Maybe I doubt that I can really be healed from this hell. I say with my mouth and believe in my heart that  God can heal, change and fix everything because He is King of Kings. Why then do I doubt that he would heal me? Why do I think that I am not worthy to be healed or freed from this torment? If I am so sure that He can literally make the blind see, then why is it so hard for me to believe that he can take this fear from me? I am constantly struggling with the belief that I will be this way forever and I will never be able to do "normal" things again. 

I haven't felt "normal" in a very long time.  Saying that I simply mean I just wish I could go places or do things without this paralyzing fear completely holding me back. I can't do normal tasks like drive, sit in movie theaters, walk in big stores like Walmart ,or be in big open spaces. Sitting on the beach gives me anxiety and I literally want to run. I even struggle riding in cars and the only people I can ride with are my husband and my mother. I also refuse under all circumstances to get on the interstate. Even certain roads are triggers and I have to avoid them. Do you have any idea how hard it makes it to live my life?

I have been struggling more lately than ever about wanting to break these chains, because I feel I am supposed to do more. There is something missing. There is something that I am being held back from, but I'm not sure what that is yet. I lie awake at night letting all these thoughts swirl around in my cluttered mind. I believe it's time to figure out why I am letting this hold me back and how I can finally be healed. I have no idea how long this will take or what could be uncovered in the meantime. It's time to let God work on me and learn to let go of the control I so desperately want but don't have. One day at a time is all I can do and today seems like a good day to start. 

Love and Hugs,


*images found on google

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